One of the patterns I had learned while growing up—simply by observing my parents—was this:
If someone doesn’t bring you a gift, or gives you something small or careless, it means they don’t respect you.
I cannot tell you how many times I completely lost it in my mind, even if I didn’t say much outwardly, when someone came empty-handed to a party I hosted.
One day this happened with a close friend.
I told her I was hurt.
She became upset too. Not because she meant disrespect, but because she felt that I didn’t trust her intentions.
She said she had actually bought a gift, but due to some miscommunication I never received it.
And suddenly it became clear.
When I didn’t get the gift, I interpreted it as disrespect.
When I expressed my hurt, she interpreted it as lack of trust in our friendship.
Both of us were filtering reality through our own psychological patterns.
Patterns created in the past. Patterns learned in childhood. Patterns absorbed from family and society.
Neither of us was actually seeing reality as it was.
And that is what most of us do.
Are We To Blame For Our Patterns?
Not really.
Most of our patterns were formed long before we had the awareness to question them.
We inherited them.
From our families. From our communities. From culture.
Did we choose the family we were born into?
No.
Did we consciously choose the emotional patterns we developed as children?
No.
And yet we spend our entire lives facing the consequences of these patterns — in our relationships, our fears, our insecurities, and our reactions.
And then we say:
Life is unfair.
On one level, it actually is.
Because none of us had a say in the most important conditioning of our lives — the environment we were born into.
But that unfairness is universal. It is not happening only to you or me.
It is happening to everyone.
So the real question becomes:
What do we do with the patterns we have inherited?
Trying To Overcome Patterns
For many years, I tried to overcome my patterns.
I believed I had the power to change.
I wanted to be better. Better than my parents. Better than the conditioning I grew up with.
So I read books.
I tried to become more disciplined. I monitored my thoughts. I tried meditation. I tried controlling my reactions.
But when the moment of truth arrived — like the incident with my friend who missed the gift — I completely lost it internally.
The books didn’t help. Reading didn’t help. Meditation didn’t help.
Afterward I blamed myself.
I blamed myself for being stupid. I blamed myself for not being able to change. I blamed myself for hurting my friend. I blamed myself for becoming exactly like the patterns I wanted to escape.
And that blame created even more suffering.
The Discovery
Then one day I encountered a very different insight.
Patterns cannot actually be “overcome.” They can only be observed.
The moment you try to fight a pattern, you actually strengthen it.
Because patterns exist in thought, and thoughts cannot be forcefully removed.
They can only multiply.
If I tell you:
“Don’t think about a carrot.”
What immediately appears in your mind?
A carrot.
And the more you try not to think about it, the more it keeps returning.
That is how the mind works.
Examples of How We Strengthen Patterns
Take insecurity for example.
Someone feels insecure about their appearance.
So they start repeating affirmations in the mirror:
“I love my body.”
“I am beautiful.”
“I accept myself.”
But look closely.
All of this effort is still revolving around the same insecurity.
The pattern has not disappeared. It has simply been redecorated.
Here are other common examples:
1. The Approval Pattern
Someone constantly wants others to like them.
So they start practicing “confidence.”
They rehearse conversations. They try to appear bold. They tell themselves, “I don’t care what people think.”
But internally they still care deeply.
The pattern of seeking approval is still operating — only hidden under a new layer of behavior.
2. The Control Pattern
A person fears uncertainty.
So they try to control everything:
- perfect schedules
- strict planning
- constant checking
- organizing every detail
But life still surprises them.
And when something goes wrong, anxiety returns.
The pattern of fear never disappeared — it just changed its form.
3. The Anger Pattern
Someone realizes they have anger issues.
So they suppress their anger.
They stay quiet. They avoid confrontation. They force themselves to appear calm.
But inside the anger continues building.
Eventually it explodes somewhere else.
The pattern was never removed — it was only pushed underground.
What Spiritual Insight Suggests
Spiritual teachings point toward something very simple yet profound:
You do not overcome patterns. You observe them.
Observation is completely different from suppression or control.
When you observe a pattern clearly:
You are no longer fully identified with it.
You are no longer acting unconsciously through it.
You begin to see:
“Ah, here is my mind again interpreting this as disrespect.”
“Here is my insecurity seeking validation.”
“Here is my anger wanting to react.”
The moment this observation happens, something subtle shifts.
You are no longer just the actor in the pattern.
You also become the observer of the pattern.
And this space of observation reduces suffering.
Examples of Observation in Daily Life
Example 1 — The Late Reply
A friend doesn’t respond to your message for hours.
Your mind immediately says:
“They don’t care about me.”
But if you observe carefully, you may notice:
“This is my abandonment pattern speaking.”
Now the reaction loosens.
Example 2 — Workplace Recognition
A colleague gets promoted.
Your mind reacts:
“Why not me?”
Instead of suppressing jealousy or pretending to be spiritual, you simply observe:
“Here is comparison arising.”
That simple observation creates distance.
Example 3 — Parenting
Your child spills milk on the floor.
Your mind immediately wants to shout.
But if you observe the impulse, you might see:
“This is my impatience pattern.”
In that observation, the reaction loses some of its power.
The Power of Observation
Observation does not instantly erase patterns.
But it changes your relationship with them.
Instead of fighting them…
Instead of blaming yourself…
Instead of pretending they don’t exist…
You simply see them clearly.
And strangely, that clarity itself brings relief.
You can see the pattern without resistance.
You can see it without guilt.
You can see it without trying to fix it.
And that reduces suffering.
A Final Question
Think about this:
If our patterns never caused us suffering… would we ever care to question them?
Probably not.
In that sense, even our suffering is pointing us toward something deeper:
the possibility of awareness.